Reflective Essay

            I had always considered myself as static, unchanging. Since before I even entered high school, I had a good idea of who I was, what I liked, and what I ultimately wanted. I felt like I had a certain level of maturity, more so than that of most of my peers. I thought I had most of my life mapped out. That was until, I began thinking of college.

            College was a distant and abstract concept to me. I couldn’t possibly imagine leaving my home and going to somewhere completely new, where I knew no one and nobody knew me. In September of my senior year of high school, I realized I had no idea where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. Perhaps impulsively, I settled on studying computer science at Ithaca. Likely a coincidence, or to the praise of my ability of subconscious observation, Ithaca served as a perfect middle ground between what I wanted to study and pursue professionally (computer science), and my favorite pastime (making music). In that regard, I may have lucked out in going to Ithaca.

            I have always been a good student, and my grades were satisfactory throughout most of high school without much effort. However, by all accounts, I had been assured that college was exponentially more difficult. I wasn’t really sure what to anticipate as far as workload, and I was hesitant to pick ‘difficult’ classes before ever gauging my ability in a college-level class. I erred on the side of caution and only chose classes that I felt confident I’d be able to handle.

            The first semester of college was a liberating experience. I have never felt so independent and free in my life. Every day, every hour, every minute was my own time, and it was my choice how I could spend it. It was almost scary, actually.

            Academically, I think I have evolved in a very positive direction. I am much more conscientious about my grades, upcoming exams, and overall workload now than I ever was during high school. Before, I relied on my own wit and a lot of luck to guarantee good grades; it was much easier to ‘cheat’ the system. Maybe it is because I am too early in the college experience, but it appears as if there is no ‘easy’ way to get by in college. In order for one to succeed they must work hard and apply themselves, something I rarely did during high school. However, I am also much more motivated to learn. High school was mandatory, everyone went, and I received a very generalized education. College and specifically what college and where, was my choice. The things I learn now are the things that are really going to help me once I enter my career. I am learning the real base here, the base of which everything else will be later built upon.

            Ideologically, I think I am still very similar to how I was in high school, especially towards the end. I’ve always been a very open-minded person, waiting to understand the facts before forming an opinion. I also see no shame in changing an opinion as one grows older, wiser, and learns new information. From my understanding, many people come to these realizations in college, I guess I am just advanced in that regard. However, being in college gave me a glimpse of what it will be like once I am an autonomous adult: it will be wonderful. I can have free reign to choose the way I want to live my life. For the first time in a long time, I was comfortable.

            In the time since I left for college, things changed at home, some events coerced by my absence, and some due to the plain passage of time. Over the breaks, when I would be at my house, I realized that I felt less at home there than I did at school. I don’t think I’ve really changed much as a person, more so I’ve glimpsed what could be, and I’ve come to the understanding that I am a fundamentally different person than my parents. When I am on my own, I will live my life in stark contrast to how my parents choose to live, or at least to how they have lived for all of my memory. I am much closer to ‘actualization’ than ever before and it feels good.

The Thanksgiving Postmortem

It is hard to truly encapsulate what feels different using only words. In fact, it would be much simpler to describe the few things that felt similar; the list would be much shorter. Due to a certain course of events, the people at home and my relationships with them have all changed drastically in the past three months since I initially left for college. That, in conjunction with the fact that I have been  absent from the home for a few months, meant that I felt very distant from the people at home. Though my parents haven't physically changed much in that time, I can hardly recognize them based on their actions. Certain traits of theirs that had been subdued for years have been greatly exaggerated in the past three months.
That is the feeling that resonated with me most over the break: distance. I was "at home," the home that I was born and raised in. Yet, I did not feel at home. I was surrounded by family and friends. Yet, for the most part, I felt like the outsider looking in. I simply couldn't develop a bond at the same level of intimacy that I had achieved before coming to college. With the exception of two friends from high school, who I've spoken more to since leaving for college than I ever had when I was living minutes away from them, I felt like I was unable to properly connect with anyone from my home life. However, I didn't feel bad (mostly) because of it, instead I felt rather indifferent, just a little uncomfortable at most. I can only hope that means that I am moving in a forward direction in my life.

When Are You Really an Adult?

              I think one of the most interesting aspects of this article, is that it confirms something I’ve suspected but have never been able to verbalize: emerging adulthood exists in multiple forms, or it doesn’t exist at all. I think I agree most with the critical perspective offered on the left column of the last page: “if emerging adulthood can be many things, then it is nothing in particular.” Of course, there is no set path for people once they have finished high school, but the fact that there are so many different paths and routes to the abstract concept of “adulthood,” and all take varying amount of times, the idea of “emerging adulthood” seems to me that it has been generalizes almost to the point that it is useless.

              An aspect of this article, and our unit, that needs to be expanded on is the history of emerging adulthood. Sheehy presented the idea that advancements in modern medicine and overall quality of life improvements due to industrialization have led to longer life-spans, and as a result, more life stages. However, the idea presented in this article, is that emerging adulthood has always existed, except for the Baby Boomer generation which experienced an anomaly due to a massive economic boom. Sheehy also argued that completion of passages is determined internally, however this article mentions that many people found the promotion to adult to coincide with the birth of their first child. This seems like too big of a coincidence, and I would argue that it shows evidence that completion of a passage into adulthood may be external, or at least more external than Sheehy presented.

Emerging Adulthood

This essay is very interesting as it is a strong insight into the concept of "emerging adulthood" that we have discussed in class, as has been touched upon in Gail Sheehy's Passages. The author of this essay explains many aspects of emerging adulthood that seem to be common knowledge and second nature to us now, but at the time of its publishing, nearly two decades ago, was probably not so widely accepted.
I think that is where this essay starts to show its age. The world has evolved rapidly over the past few decades, and as a result, so have the stages of development, including emerging adulthood. I think the concept of emerging adulthood could benefit from receiving more contemporary published essays. Even so, the trends that the author mentioned - more people finishing high school, going into higher education, waiting longer to get married and have children - all seem to have continued and have even escalated since this essay was published.

The Urge to Merge

I’ve recently considered the concept that Sheehy describes as “The Urge to Merge,” as I believe most people around my age have. I hold the controversial opinion, however, that “merging” is a non-essential aspect of human life. Though many people choose to do it, I believe that a large portion of the population that finds themselves in long-term relationships would be happier if they weren’t in one. People are very malleable, and I think the reason many people seek a “merger” to another person, is because it is a path that is defined before them; it is a common thing to do.

It is slightly foreshadowed in this section of the book, but more and more, people are less likely to get married. The people that are getting married are getting married later and chose to have fewer children. It seems as if my belief on the matter is gaining traction and increasing in popularity.

That being said, after reading this section of the book, I enjoyed how Sheehy broke down each type of marriage that could be had (“complete-me,” “jailbreak,” etc.), but I feel that Sheehy disregards what I think would be the most common type: a loving marriage. After all, I thought that was the whole purpose of marriage, yet Sheehy describes almost every conceivable type of marital bond, and she fails to mention the most basic example. With every woman mentioned in this section, it seems that they have only paired off with a man temporarily, and for their own personal gain.

My question for the class, do you think these types of marriages that Sheehy describes are accurate, or is there actual love to be had in the world?

The Breakfast Club

I think The Breakfast Club is a good movie depicting adolescence, but it is far from timeless, and increasingly it suffers from the era it was produced in. The movie is a nice story in essence: five unknowing and unassuming high school students find themselves together through a series of separate events. Despite the fact that they all come from different social circles, they find it easy to relate to one another and become friends. Perhaps that story may have believable at the time, I find it difficult to suspend my disbelief, having updated information about the behavior of high school students. Most that I’ve interacted with, myself included, would be very unlikely to step outside themselves for long enough to form a bond with their peers. The most believable aspect about the whole story to me, is that by the end of the detention, and Monday in school, everyone will go back to their same routines, almost as if they are disregarding their weekend experience.

Though the movie’s theme of acceptance of oneself is still, and will always be, relevant, the other aspects of the film really become too unbelievable to hold my interest. After the rampant verbal and sexual abuse that Bender throws at Claire, she still falls for him in the end. All that a compulsively-lying kleptomaniac needed to be noticed by a jock was a makeover. At first, the film that tried to break-down high school expectations falls right back into the most basic of cliches (though to it’s credit, the film was probably popular enough to start a few cliches of its own).

If I'm Late Start the Crisis Without Me

I have never really considered the concept of a moratorium, but thinking about it now, it makes sense. A choice of a gap year, or a semester/year off here or there all boil down to be caused by the same root desire: to postpone. In the professional world, one will often hear the adage “time is money.” By extension, if you are wasting time (not pursuing education/being employed), then you are wasting money, and as the next adage goes, “money makes the world go ‘round.” There is such a hyper-focus on society about hitting the ground running, first one out of the gate, with the hope that the first one out will be the first one back. I think, from reading Sheehy’s description on the late-adolescence/early-adulthood crisis, that it contains the same principle as “The Tortoise and the Hare.” Slow and steady can win the development race, and often it can be much less vitriolic than it would have been otherwise.

I think it is fascinating that the different types of identity development can be broken down into four separate and distinct different categories. I think I fall somewhere between the moratorium and identity-achieved group, but with a much heavier lean towards the achieved. I have suffered through a turbulent crisis recently, one that is currently ongoing even, but one in which I believe to be nearing an end. Regardless, it has largely shaped how I view myself and others in the world.

The question I have is: do you agree with Sheehy, that crisis and turmoil is inevitable and essential for long-term development?

Playing it to the Bust

I think the most interesting aspect of this chapter, is the reference to how young people, children and adolescents, look to define themselves through the use of idealized role models. People see themselves through identities, and often, those identities may be assigned to us by or chosen from how we view our role models.I think it is fascinating that Dennis was able to create a role model for himself, which was created from an amalgam of his mother and the youth leader, Chuck. I also appreciate the fact that Dennis is willing to ‘pay it forward:’ he had a very influential youth leader earlier in his life, and as a result he has pursued a job as a youth leader, in an attempt to inspire young people the same way Chuck inspired him.

Something I can relate to from this section, is the era of de-idealizing our role-models, whether it be our parents or otherwise. I am at a point in my life where I am becoming rapidly disillusioned of the reality of my situation and upbringing, and understanding that the people I once put on a pedestal are actually flawed, imperfect human beings. It is this realization that has pushed me to strive to be better than the people I used to look up to. Their roles in my life were important at the time I needed them, but now it is time for myself to mature, become independent, and move on.

I would like to see the class discuss the concept of disillusion, specifically in the sense that one learns to divide themselves from their role models.

From Breast to Breakaway

              What I found the most interesting about this reading, is Sheehy’s description of the Merger Self, the Seeker Self, and the constant struggle for balance between the two. In the past, I have heard theories about ego development that may have included one of these concepts, but I have never heard the two coexist, and in an endless battle nonetheless. I think that personally, I let my “seeker self” win out more often, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with a skew in one direction or the other. I think issues would probably arise if you only committed to and followed one though, like Donald Babcock did, because then you will stunt your own development.

              Another concept I found very interesting was the idea of the inner custodian – or phantom parent. When you think about it, parenting is downloading a version of your morals into the head of your child, and over time the child will eventually learn more and develop more and override certain lessons that the parent has taught them with lessons of their own experience. The whole notion makes sense, it’s just something I’ve never thought of before. It’s as if every time you look both ways before crossing a street, you have a direct bond to your parent and guardian. It’s cool.

              I would like to see the class further discuss the concepts of seeker self, merger self, and the inner custodian.

Ready or Not

              I disagree with Sheehy’s notion that “crises,” under the Erikson definition, are “inner impulses.” I don’t believe that the major life stages that Sheehy describes are at all related to our biological makeup, but are rather imposed entirely by the society in which we live. To back up my claim, I will use myself as an example.

              Personally, “ready or not” is a phrase that perfectly encapsulates my initial thought of college. At the end of high school, some major change was going to happen, whether it be college, or full-time employment. Those were the options I was presented with, whether I was ready or not to take either one. I chose college because I thought it could benefit me more in the long term. However, my choice that I was going to attend college meant in no terms that I thought I was ready to attend college. In fact, in my head, I didn’t believe I was ready up until I was actually here, and I still don’t believe I am to some degree.

              I know myself better than anyone. I was never going to be “ready” for college. I am here now. I have developed and changed in many different ways since I have been in college. One could argue that I have underwent, or am still currently undergoing, one of Sheehy’s “crises.” But to think that such a change or development was internally motivated is asinine. If I were still at home right now, there is no doubt in my mind that I would still be the same person that I was before I left. I’ve only adapted because an external force (moving to college) has pushed me to adapt.

Predictable Crises of Adulthood

              I think one of the most interesting things about this section is how Sheehy presented the interviews from the two couples. As I believe her intention was, I thought that couple A was the older couple while couple B was the younger couple, and I was shocked when I learned that my belief was mistaken. Though both interviews said relatively the same thing, there was just something about how each entry was written to cause me to mistake the identity of each couple. I do wonder though if this had been altered at all or if the words written were the words spoken verbatim. Also, how many couples did she ask these questions to? A sample size of two is far too small to draw any conclusions from.

              Another interesting point that Sheehy brings up is that passages are internally motivated from people evolving, rather than environmental factors changing causing people to evolve. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with this. Sheehy does mention in her outline of the passages that societal pressure does exist, but I wonder if we lived in a completely different society with different morals, or perhaps outside of a society altogether, if the passages would remain the same. I don’t think so, which causes me to believe that the life passages are externally motivated.

That is what I want the class to discuss: whether or not passages are truly internally motivated.

Passages Blog 1

              I think this book is interesting so far, because it seems to maintain relevance for decades after it has been published. If anything, because the average life expectancy has increased, the book has gained relevance, as people are living longer and thus have more time to develop through new ‘passages.’ I appreciate that the author has tried to define what seems undefinable at first glance. We are taught growing up that children are constantly developing, but once you hit a certain age, somewhere around early to mid-20s, that’s it. Almost as if people become old dogs that cannot learn new tricks. First recognizing, and then trying to categorize new stages in modern life seems revolutionary to me.

              I closely identified with the feeling that there is more to life in adulthood. People are constantly evolving daily, and I have always feared there would come a time where I became comfortable and docile. I like being inquisitive and curious and I hope to be that way throughout life. I like the circle of knowledge metaphor to describe learning, as a species, but also individually, and I hope that for as long as I live, my circle keeps growing.

Discussion Questions:

-What do you think it means to be an “adult?”

-What do you think the stages of life development are? Is anyone ever finished developing?

The Adventure Continues

              The most interesting aspect of college to me right now, is how unpredictable the work is. I usually like to finish my assignments on the day that they are assigned, but I won’t work into the night. I treat college like it is a 9-5 (or 8-5) job where I prioritize what work needs to get done first, and then push anything I don’t finish by dinner off to the next day. Some days I may finish all my homework in an hour or two, allowing me a few days without any new assignments. I expected the buildup of homework to be more gradual than it is, because after a day of classes, no work can suddenly pile up to hours of work. Through no neglect of my own, I am bombarded with hours of homework. My saving grace is that the due dates are usually staggered, allowing me to maintain my normal working schedule ang still get everything done on time.

              The most challenging aspect for me is finding a balance between sleep and a social life. I have 8 AM classes 4/5 days of the week, so I would theoretically like to get to bed on the earlier side. However, I am usually hanging out with friends at that point, and I don’t want to just get up and leave. If I stay later, then I will be tired the next day, and I may fall asleep midday. It is difficult to find and maintain a balance, but I am sure I can figure it out with time.

What It Is

              I didn’t really notice when the change happened. In the weeks and days leading up to my departure for college, I felt an increasing amount of anxiety. I’ve noticed just today that I have no anxiety. I also cannot recall having any for at least the past week and then some. It seems any hang-ups I had pre-transition have dissipated without me ever really being aware of it.

              What I’ve found most surprising about my college experience thus far is how comfortable I am here. I feel like I really can connect with people here. People that think similarly to how I think. I have better access to social and academic aid than I’ve never had before. In a sense, I feel more at home here than I did for at least the last few months/years that I lived at home. I often felt isolated at home. No one in my household really shared a lot of interests with me. I found it difficult to open-up to anyone not out of fear of embarrassment, but because I knew that my experience is unlike my parents’ or friends’ experiences. I knew that there was a decent probability that any advice I received could be inapplicable to my current situation. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems, and then leave them or myself disappointed when they could not help me.

              Since I’ve been in Ithaca, I’ve been relieved to discover how much I’ve adapted to and enjoyed being here. Things are great.

The Achievement of Desire

              The most interesting aspect of “The Achievement of Desire” to me was Rodriguez’s willingness to leave his family-life behind him, for the pursuit of education. In the previous section, Rodriguez writes about how his household became much quieter when the children began assimilating to American culture and began to speak Spanish less frequently at home; he felt like he was losing a part of himself. In this section, to my surprise, I learned that not only did he recognize that education was creating a rift between himself and his family, but that he intentionally pursues his education despite it. His teachers became his role models in leu of his parents, whom he only felt embarrassment over.

              Similarly to Rodriguez, I’ve also noticed that the pursuit of education can become isolating to family and friends. In a corporeal sense, I am unable to spend less time with them as I was focused on learning new material or studying for upcoming exams. But in an abstract sense, even the time that we spent together can often become isolating. I realize just from off-hand comments that are made without much regard how different I’ve become from the people I used to spend most of my time with. Our perspectives have become misaligned, and I seek more solace in engaging in my academic peers because, at least for the time being, we have more in common due to the nature of our relationship.

Aria

              The most interesting thing about “Aria,” is how Rodriguez uses stories of his own upbringing and early education to justify his stance on a political policy. Rodriguez subverted my expectation by coming out against bilingual education, despite being a bilingual student himself. His argument is not one of anger or disdain, however, he only tries to use logic and his own experience to explain why he disagrees with the policy.

              Although I am unable to identify with anyone of the Rodriguez family, I can share a childhood experience with Richard’s friend who overheard Richard’s mother talking to him. My neighbors are Turkish immigrants, with their children being first-generation Americans. I can relate to the partial confusion and awe that Rodriguez’s friend felt in observing his friend’s ability to derive meaning from what seems to the unknowing ear as gibberish. The inquisitive remark for translation is one I’ve also had myself.

              All children, myself included, face some sort of minute culture-shock when transitioning from their home-life to their primary school education. Only a few comparatively must overcome the language barrier that Rodriguez did, but there is a barrier for entry for everyone nonetheless. I find it difficult now to place exactly what experiences I had as a child of that age, but I could only imagine that my experiences during that time played a significant role into the kind of person that I am now.

Change

In the weeks, and later, the days, leading up to my arrival at Ithaca, I felt myself becoming increasingly more anxious about starting what I would consider the greatest change of my life. Thoughts of uncertainty plagued my mind. Would I like my roommate? Will I like my professors? Will I be able to handle my course load? Despite all of the negative hypothetical scenarios that were constantly running in my head, I kept an open mind, and as I began to think about how beautiful the campus was, and remember stories from friends and family who have attended Ithaca in the past, anxiety transformed to anticipation.

In the week that I’ve been at Ithaca, almost all of my concerns have faded. My roommate and I get along well, and we have a lot of overlapping interests. My courses seem manageable and I really do have ample amount of time to complete any work that I need to. It really is close to a perfect situation.

When I hear stories about how friends from home are poorly adjusting to their college lifestyle, I’m imbued with a sense of pride. Of course I miss my family, having my own room, and being in an overall more familiar living situation, but I have an immense appreciation for the amount of freedom and independence I have as a college student. With increased independence comes increased responsibility as well. I understand why some can become frustrated because of it, but personally, I love it all so far.